Monday, May 26, 2008

An Open Letter to Christian Bale

Dear Christian,

I hope I wasn't too presumptuous to call you Christian, but Mr. Bale just seems so cold and formal and I want this to be a relaxed and friendly.

Christian Bale

Anyways, congratulations on the whole movie career so far. I've just heard that you're going to star in the new Terminator 4, and of course everyone is excited to see The Dark Knight coming out later this summer. You can certainly consider yourself a full-fledged Hollywood movie star. This is no small feat. As you know, not every successful child actor makes the cross over to successful adult actor (see Macaulay Culkin).

A very young Christian Bale with Steven Spielberg on the set of Empire of the Sun (1987)

Yessiree, you've established yourself as a talented and bankable leading man which guarantees we'll be seeing you on the big screen for many years to come. With that said, I feel it's my duty to talk to you about a small issue that's been troubling me. I believe many others are troubled by it too, and some may have even brought this issue to your attention. I mean this issue is as plain as the nose on your face...


At premier for 3:10 to Yuma (2007)

Close up of mole

...or more exactly the mole on the side of you nose near your right eye. I'm not the only one who's noticed either (check out skinema.com ).

This isn't something trivial. If you're serious about your "craft" (and I know you are) you don't want anything that will distract from your performance, and that is exactly what this mole has become - a distraction. Seriously, when I'm watching you act I can't help to be drawn to the little lumpy thing sitting by your right brow.

But it hasn't always been this way, because from examining your body of work that irritating mole wasn't always there. Back almost 18 years ago, back in the 1992 film Newsies, the mole was in hiding, just waiting for its big day in the lime light.


No visible mole yet in Newsies (1992)

And then four years later the mole burst onto the silver screen, and can be seen in the 1996 film The Secret Agent.


The mole makes it first (?) appearance in The Secret Agent (1996)

I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that this mole of yours is growing. I'm sure you've had it checked, and I'm sure it's not cancer or anything, but I think it's time you should really have it removed. I mean it would only be like a simple office visit to have it done. Hell, I don't even work as a film actor where folks gawk at my mug on screens 30 feet tall, but I would have had it removed a long time ago.

Maybe you've grown accustom to it, and resist changing your face with cosmetic surgery. Although I'd find that hard to believe since you've never been afraid to change how your body looks before.


The many bods of Bale

You got all ripped and buff for American Psycho (2000). You then got even more buffer for Reign of Fire (2002). Hey, I don't blame you since you were co-staring with Matthew McConaughey, whose favorite hobby is shirtlessness. Then you got super scary thin for The Machinist (2004), and amazingly within a year bulked up huge for Batman Begins (2004). My hat is off to you man. As someone who is trying really, really hard to gain muscle, and drop my body fat a couple of percentage points for the summer - I'm totally impressed and envious how you seemingly can take off and on muscle weight with such ease. I would love to hear your workout routine sometime, but I digress...

My point is you're not afraid to change body in extreme ways - dropping weight and adding weight for what ever role you're playing. So to remove this distracting mole should be no big thing compared to what you did to your body for The Machinist.

Enrique Iglesias

If you're still unsure about losing your mole, why don't you talk to Enrique Iglesias (I'm sure you can get his number). Enrique had a mole much bigger than yours on his right cheek and had it removed years ago. If you ask me I think he looks much better without it, and I don't think it's hurt his career one bit to have it removed. He's still making music, and selling his own personal cologne or something. Isn't he? (Maybe I should have Wikied "Enrique Iglesias" before I wrote this)

I'm sure Enrique is certainly having a better career than this guy:

Richard Thomas as John Boy Walton in "The Waltons" (1972) (FYI: I didn't add the white text to the picture, but it's obviously by someone who is as distracted by moles as I am)

When was the last time anyone has seen Richard Thomas? I rest my case... Ok, I just checked IMDb and Richard Thomas has worked fairly consistently up till 2006. But he ain't staring in any summer block busters now is he?

Hmmm, maybe I didn't make any points for my case with the Richard Thomas example, but please consider the other stuff I've written.

Don't make me have to write a best-selling, Pulitzer Prize winning story about an emotionally complex man with a ugly mole under his right brow, and whose life is dramatically changed in many unique ways when he has his mole removed. Which is then optioned by a big shot Hollywood production company, and so I then personally adapt my story into a dynamite script which is quickly geenlit. Because of my new found clout I demand that you play the protagonist because after all - nobody else could play this role but you, and that would eventually force you to have that bloody mole removed.

Well thanks for your time, and I wish you the very best of luck with your career,

David

27 comments:

Jay Amabile said...

That was some funny stuff lol. I've always noticed that as well but it never really bothered me. I think his acting is so good that I look past it. But if it was on a lesser actor...let's say Danny Bonaduce during the Partride Family years...I think I would've had even more disdain for him than I did when I used to watch it in reruns when I was a kid. He didn't have many redeemable qualities! In addition to playing Batman, Bale stars in one of my favorite movies EVER. American Psycho!!!

David W. said...

Thanks Jay,

I tried to be as funny as possible, but still be sincere. I can only assume an agent or director has brought this to Mr. Bale's attention, but for some reason he likes to keep that warty little thing.

Here's something that make me laugh... Someone just Googled "christian bale eye mole" and guess who's blog #1

Anonymous said...

LOL I didn't come here from an eye mole google search, but I laughed at this none the less.

In my house, we always called John Boy, "Mole Boy." True story.

Anonymous said...

I wondered if he had it removed or not and I found your post.

But that picture you have from Batman Begins is actually from Equilibrium. I just thought you might want to know...

David W. said...

Thanks for the info Mr. Anonymous. I must get around to correcting that one of these days. Hopefully.

Goosie said...

This is some funny stuff.
I'm a big fan of his, but that mole is getting a bit distracting lol.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Oh, dear, David. This was so silly. (=

I'm just the opposite. I love the mole. It's human. It's Bale's. It makes his face even more interesting. (as if that were possible) I get really annoyed when mags (hmm hmm, GQ) photoshop the mole away. It's like they've decided his face isn't good enough for them, so they'll make it good enough. Same thing they do to actresses and models - photoshop away the actual person into some perceived beauty ideal.

Anyone can go and have a mole removed & if Bale decides one day that removing his mole is something he feels like doing, then that's his choice & not to be questioned. However, the idea that he needs to remove a little mole to be more perfect is preposterous. Quirks are perfection.

So, Christian, if you ever read this, I love you as is. And to you I say, "Your body, your choice." Thank goodness you're a bit of an anti-establishment sort, and therefore not inclined to let fans tell you how you should look. You look delicious and your talent as an actor is superb. 'Nuff said.

frank09 said...

LOL totally true. I just intentionally googled "christian bale eye mole" after watching Batman. If there's one thing I hate in the world, it's an actor with a mole in his face. I really don't get it. Dude, it's so easy to get rid of it: Just quickly go to a dermathologist and it's done!

Anonymous said...

The Mole is sexy... just don't let it get hairy =P

Anonymous said...

That's not a mole . . .

I have one on my nose and it's not a mole . . .

The male star in "The Island" has one too (I can't remember his name)

But you aren't born with it, It's from a cut at a young age and on your face it heals over with oil and is permanent . . .

It's common among African Americans only theirs are dark looking 'like' moles

Anonymous said...

The photo from Batman Begins is indeed from Batman Begins. Whoever said is was from Equilibruim is wrong. I am a Christian Bale fanatic and am 110% positive that photo is from Batman Begins.

Northern Hills said...

I became a 'true' Christian Bale fan after seeing "The Machinist", and that mole didn't bother me -- I never really noticed it -- until the recent Terminator movie, where it IS very prominent... so noticable that I googled "eye mole Christian Bale" and found this blog post *sigh*. Dear God, please have the doc snip that thing off, please, please. It is not a DeNiro mole. It is an "Is that thing going to soon poke him in the eye?" kind of mole. Please. For the sake of your eye, for the sake of your nose, for the sake of your fans. Please, no more mole, please.

Annabelle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

The dark mole on Bale's neck is more noticeable in a typical scene, I think. He needs to do a dual exorcism.

With all the plastic surgery actors due, you'd think they'd go for the blatant stuff first, yet they rarely do. Maybe they see the moles as a trademark.

Anonymous said...

I have a mole in the exact same spot as Christian Bale. I have named it my Christian Bale Mole. If he should ever get it removed the name will no longer make sense. That can never happen.

Miz Anonymous said...

The person who mentioned it before is totally right and hit the nail on the ... head. It's not a mole that can be just 'scraped' off with a scalpel. It would need removing with a special circular tool and would have roots ... those roots probably extend into the orbital area as well as the sinus. Too risky.

Anonymous said...

Christian Bale is the sexiest man I have ever seen. Everything about him is sexy, EVERYTHING. Even the "mole". He's also one of the most talented actors out there. (:

Anonymous said...

I saw the latest Batman movie at the weekend and as I'm not all that familiar with Christian Bale, I googled it to check was it real or was it a Batman thing.
That lump annoyed the hell out of me on screen. Couldn't look at his eyes which is crucial for screen acting during close up emotional shots.

Anyway this was the first result when I Googled 'Christian Bale eye'. Well done although he hasn't followed your advice.

Anonymous said...

Just saw Dark Knight and it appeared to have grown during the course of the movie. Used to think Christian Bale was hot. Hope I can again... that mole has GOT to go!

Anonymous said...

I agree :) This article is very polite and funny. Haha. But it's what makes Christian who he is. Even with that imperfection, he's still one beautiful man. :) <3

Tariq said...

I thought I was the only one who hated that damn mole. Please Bale please remove that thing, you do realize that when you eventually win an oscar (and you will) that mole won't get one too

Franklin Capa said...

Christian Bale already won an Oscar for The Fighter....

Anonymous said...

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. And to the people who don't get it, I don't get you. It's waaaayyy too distracting.

Anonymous said...

Thank you David for taking the time in such good taste to write this letter addressing Christian about his annoying mole....after the movie Exodus it continues to drive me bonkers....more so now with close ups in HD and Blue Ray ect. ....that darn mole is distracting....i hope he reads this letter as has access to our comments as well....C.mon Christian!!....you can do it!!...if the Directors of a movie he really wants to be can get him to drastically change his looks, i.m sure sooner or later one will INSIST he reomove his MOLE friend!!....Thanks again David!! *:D

Anonymous said...

Typo: *Remove.....

Anonymous said...

I just watched The Big Short and that mole was totally distracting. I googled
to find out if it was natural or something he added for his character portrayal. Christian--you are incredibly handsome, smart, and talented. The mole is distracting. Have it lopped off. Please!

Pam Cudal said...

I love his mole. There's no reason to remove it :)

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