Dirty Home Movies

Valentine's Day will soon be upon us, and continuing the tradition I started last year this means my posts for the month are going to be extra sexy (or maybe even smutty).  I'm gonna take this PG rated blog of mine, and go all the way to PG-13 mister! So parents, consider yourselves strongly cautioned.  

Once upon a time, way back in the 1970's, if one wanted to watch a "dirty movie" at home it was an actual film.  No VCR's available for sale at Sears yet, and the Internet was the stuff of science fiction.

Say hello to the Luminavision "Deluxe Quality Movie Viewer."  This baby is perfect for viewing color or black & white 8MM or Super 8 films.  I like how the ad copy states "complete portability to parties or for sales presentations."  Yeah right, on that small screen?  More like portability for solo use in basements, closets and bathrooms...

 
That ad above ran in both gentlemens' magazines and Popular Science.

The days of the Luminavision were numbered, and the vastly superior home video technology soon completely dominates the scene by the early 1980's. Although early on mail-order X-rated movie companies carried both videotapes and film - like in this 1979 ad from Mitchell Brothers' ...

Love the holiday themed ad.  Yes, pornography really does make a great Christmas gift.  Also check out the prices.  A Marilyn Chambers film goes for the top dollar of $129 - adjusted for inflation that's $407.96 in today's dollars!  Wow that's so hard to believe when basically any filth your heart desires is only a few clicks away for free nowadays. For the budget minded there's the 8MM "famous Swedish Erotica series" for only $20 ($63.25 adjusted for inflation).

Some companies like Direct Video jumped into mail-order video tapes exclusively...

All those films go for $99.50 ($277.24 adjusted for inflation), and that's still pretty damn pricey.  The ad states "VHS recorded on TDK brand tape" which is good to know I guess.  I wonder if TDK paid for this endorsement.

Two of those 70's porn films above have extra special meaning for me.  When I was in junior high a friend of mine found a video tape in his parents closet with a handwritten label titled "Watergate."  This tape was something insanely extincting and irresistible to a small group of hormonally charged young boys - a classic porn double feature.  First up was Deep Throat (1972) ("Watergate" get it?), followed by The Devil in Miss Jones (1973).  These were the first X-rated films I had ever seen, and it made for a very educational (and vaguely disturbing) afternoon.

A word to those 1980's parents out there, mislabeling your pornographic videotapes is no deterrent for a determined and horny adolescent young boy.  The more you know...

The Shining Exposed!

Spoiler alert!  I'm going to reveal the final shot of Stanley Kubrick's The Shining (1980).  Avert your eyes, and click away now if you don't want to have the ending of this famous horror film completely ruined.

Consider yourself fairly warned.  Counting down to the big shocking reveal...

One,

Two,

Three...

Okay that wasn't a very big deal.  Most everyone has seen this.  At least I hope you've seen it - the movie is 32 years old for goodness sake.  Also much better versions of this photo suitable for desktop wallpaper can easily be found around the internets.

But what cannot be easily found is the original untouched 1923 photo.  You know, before Jack Nicholson's head was inserted over some unknown guy.  So here we go ladies and gentlemen, the man who's head was covered by Jack's head is at last finally reveled...

The above images are found on a page from The Complete Airbrush and Photo-Retouching Manual by Peter Owen & John Sutcliffe originally published in 1985.

It's interesting the movie The Shining is never credited for some reason on the above page from the book. 

This is for all the fools out there...

I don't usually talk about stuff like this, but look at that lottery ticket of mine up there.  I don't normally buy lottery tickets, but the feverish hype about the record breaking jackpot of the Mega Millions last Friday enticed me to take a chance.  So I put three bucks down on three easy picks.  If you'll notice not a single one of my numbers matched the winning numbers drawn on March 30:  2-4-23-38-46 and Mega Ball 23.   I didn't really expect to win, but I thought I'd probably match one number at least.

I've been strangely lucky with the number "69" in the past.  This is NOT a cheap attempt at crude humor, and if you check out my post from March 3, 2008 you'll see I'm telling the truth.  Unfortunately, there's no "69" in the Mega Millions game. 

Yeah, I won't be buying another lottery ticket anytime soon.  The odds of winning are so ridiculous it's foolish to throwaway money on this game.

Here's something else foolish to throw your money away on according to these Yelp reviews, and it's something a little more in keeping with the spirit of this blog - it's the World of Illusion in Gatlinburg, TN...

I didn't intend to post this retro brochure since it can be easily found elsewhere on the internet.  In fact some of my fellow blogger acquaintances have blogged, and blogged well about this place.  But then I noticed that my brochure is slightly different than ones I've seen online. The difference is that last bullet point, or more accurately star point on the purple page. It reads, "Create pure energy in a Star Sculpture exhibit." I have no idea what a "Star Sculpture exhibit" is or was, but I'm thinking maybe it was one of those novelty plasma globes.

Speaking of novelties, I pity the fool who hasn't seen the awesome Stunt Rock (1980) trailer.  The reason I mention this it features a bad-ass white bearded wizard that looks similar to the wizard on the front of the World of Illusion brochure...



This movie has been popping up on TCM recently (the last time was late "Mega Millions" night March 30, 2012).  You might wish to check it out the next time it plays.  I'll warn you it doesn't quite live up to its trailer, but then again it won't really cost you anything either.

The Second Scariest Film Clip in the World

Here's a follow up to the post I made last October.  This is another one of those real life Bigfoot reenactments that left a big impression on me when I was a kid...



Here's a very accurate quote left by joeyvader on YouTube...

 It says it took them a couple of hours to get back to sleep...I think it would have taken me more like a couple years to get back to sleep...

Exactly.  Who could ever go back to sleep after an experience like that?  I was a kid living in the suburbs, and I had a hard time sleeping after watching this.  I don't know what I would have done if I was supposed to go camping a day or two after seeing this.    

The Toy Newspaper

Whoa, April is almost over and I haven't made a single post this month. Time still flies even when you're not really having fun.

Anyways, in my last post I posted a mock newspaper movie promotion, and now I'm back with another one I've managed to scrounge up.

Here's a mock newspaper promotion for the vaguely raciest 80's comedy The Toy (1982)...





... and as always here's a little something from YouTube.

Capricorn One Newspaper

Did Capricorn One (1978) help create, or simply add fuel to the fire of those wacky moon landing hoax conspiracies? I don't know the answer to that. In fact I've never seen the movie, but I did find this promotional mock newspaper...

Click to read all about it

If you clicked the image to actually read that thing you noticed that every single article mentions the movie's cast and/or crew. I don't know why they thought they needed to "tip their hand" like that. They should have played it completely straight like it was actual news. I don't think anyone would have mistaken it for a real newspaper since this was on the back...


I think all those listed Metro Detroit movie theaters are all gone now. Well as always here's the TV spot...

Police Academy Official Entrance Exam

In my last post I had a quiz, and now I'm back with an exam.

It's the official entrance exam for the original comedy "classic" Police Academy (1984)...


It's not quite as funny as that Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982) mock quiz I posted last time, but hey, where else on the internet are you gonna find this thing.

There's a rumor that a Police Academy 8 is in development, and is supposed to be released in 2012. So mark your calendars, or consider yourself warned.

Anyways, here's the trailer for the original just because...

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

Here's another magazine pull-out poster promotion I found. This time it's for the Steve Martin comedy Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982). It's a mock quiz that's actually pretty funny and cleaver, and it makes me wonder if Steve Martin himself helped with the writing...

Read the story of Detecto-Vision

Finally here's the poster...

... and here's the trailer too!

The Most Disorganized Toy Store in Movie History

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) is notorious for the uproar it caused when released. Groups like the PTA were a appalled at the notion of a killer dressed as Santa Claus.

Actually the idea of a killer Santa Claus wasn't new. More than a decade earlier a segment of Tales From The Crypt (1972) features a psycho Santa terrorizing Joan Collins, and nobody freaked out. Well maybe someone did, but it wasn't the stink that Silent Night, Deadly Night created.


Anyway, I'm not here to talk about killer Santas, I'm here to talk about the most messed up toy store ever filmed. A major section of Silent Night, Deadly Night takes place at a quaint little store named IRA'S TOYS...

That's one depressing looking toy store

The reported budget for Silent Night, Deadly Night is well under one million dollars. It's obvious the set decorator had little money to work with, and no doubt they were on a very tight time schedule too. So under these difficult circumstances how successful were they at creating a convincing toy store? Let's take a look around, and see what we find.

As first glance I think the above pic might look like the toy store's storage room with all those random brown cardboard boxes (and throughout the store too), but it's not. Just for the record this is the stock room...

Now back to the retail space...

At Ira's they conveniently pre-inflate the inflatable pool toys for you. Also it helps to fill all that shelf space.

Although it's Christmas time, at Ira's they still have the Halloween costumes on display. Actually I assume they keep them up year-around.

There's some famous characters here. I can see Batman, Spider-Man, a couple of Mickey Mouse masks...

... and G.I. Joe - who gets a prominent shot.

It's also Easter time at Ira's Toys, or at least I always associate these insane looking inflatable rabbits with Easter.

It's Poochi! You know, for girls.

They pre-assemble the Mr. and Mrs. Potato Heads at Ira's. That's unique customer service.

If you're looking for Jabba the Hutt you're in luck. Ira's is well stocked on this item, but you better hurry if you want that Patrol Dewback. Hey where are the Star Wars action figures?

If you look closely, you can see the figures tucked away on the right.

Want to purchase the game Twister? Try checking behind the Smurf puzzle. Also note the partially hidden Popeye the Movie board game.

This is an interesting shot for the curious way this store is organized. There's the Mouse Trap games on the top self, assorted preschool toys below, and a Habitrail set for your pet hamster on the upper left .

Please forgive the actor's awkward pose, but this is the bottom shelf of where the Star Wars toys are located. Here you'll find the Monroe Dollhouse Kit and the Motorific Torture Track which is a toy from the 1960's...



I thought I noticed something else in that last shot, it's the Krull board game on the lower left.

For such a small and disorganized store Ira's has its own Santa Claus "meet 'n greet" that's reasonably elaborate. This is something only malls and big city department stores usually have.

Well I could go on and on, but why beat a dead reindeer. I'll conclude this post with this wide shot of Ira's Toys. See if you can spot your favorite toy among the clutter, or feel free to make your own snarky comment.

Oh wait, it's a He-Man and Battle Cat kite! And a possible spoiler, sorry if you looked.

A Change of Seasons

It's that time of year again, and that means it's time for the holiday classic A Change of Seasons (1980).

A CHANGE OF SEASONS: Movie Trailer. Watch more top selected videos about: Mary Beth Hurt, Richard Lang

Man, I love it when TNT plays this movie for 24 hours straight starting on Christmas Eve... OK, I'm teasing.

I don't think anyone even thinks about this film anymore. Not even the people who made it.

In 1980 this was a "big" holiday movie for 20th Century-Fox. I'm not kidding, take a look at this pull-out poster promotion which was published in national magazines...


Oh hey, it's a naked and wet Bo Derek. Now that she's caught our eye, let's turn the page and see what else we can find...


No more Bo, but we now have Anthony Hopkins and Shirley MacLaine in bed. This is all sorta like a comic book version of the trailer.


On the third page is more of the cast, and more of the "lover" talk. Wow that word is way overused here. Do people even use that word much anymore? I think it makes everything sound rather dated.

Just to be complete here's the last page which has a short bio on the principle actors...

Finally let's open this thing up and take a look at the poster...


It's a fun poster with an all naked cast, and a cartoon-ish leering bear rug and moose head wearing a Santa hat. This movie looks like a wacky sex comedy.

The poster art is by Robert Tanenbaum, and this is one of the last movie posters he worked on before moving on to other things.

Maybe Robert just gave up working on movie posters in disgust because his poster art wasn't officially used for this film. If you visited a movie theater 30 years ago this was the poster you saw for A Change of Seasons.


It's no longer the wacky comedy, but something more sexy and sophisticated. The marketing people took a shot from the infamous "hot tub scene," and replaced the leering bear and moose with a pic of a leering Shirley MacLaine.

It's not as fun as the illustrated poster, but at least it was better then this budget tri-color poster. I don't know exactly what's going on with composition here, but they sure want you to know Bo Derek is in this film - she's pictured on this poster three times...

Here's the provocative Swedish poster which uses a more risque "hot tub scene" picture, and a pair of illustrated disembodied human legs engaged in some kind of adult activity. According to the Google Translator the title reads "talk about left-rustling" whatever that means...

A Change of Seasons is available on DVD, and the cover art is very conservative and uninspired. The hot tub pic is colorized and placed in the background, and thee photos of stars placed prominently in the foreground. Also it now looks like a very autumn-like movie to me...


Lastly here's A Change of Seasons poster from Turkey? India? I have no idea...

That artist is no Robert Tanenbaum, and that image of Bo is not from this film either. It's from one of Bo's many sexy photo shoots...

Well this concludes my most steamy blog post ever, and just in time to kick of the jolly holiday season too.

Merry Christmas fellas.