Where is he now?

I'm back with a little update on my whereabouts for those who care.  I'm now doing a weekly advertising parody videos on my new YouTube channel called Mock-O-Matic (you know, it sounds like the classic Ronco Veg-O-Matic).

I'll be honest with you guys, I don't know how well I can keep up with a weekly video.  These things take more time to create than you can imagine, and I was hoping I could keep a week or two ahead of schedule  but I'm now right down to my Thursday deadline.  For example, I didn't start recording the voice-over until midnight on October 30 for my Halloween video!  Therefore it was uploaded in a very rushed condition, but I eventually went back to finessed things a little.  Here's my new and improved version...



I have other "funny" video ideas like commercials supposedly created by animals.  Just think about what animals could want/need, and imagine what that commercial might look like...


Because they are animals they have a very strange and different looking video format, and everything is subtitled for us humans to follow. Here's another one...


Well I hope you liked that.  If you did please remember like, subscribe and favorite!  Hope to see you over at Mock-O-Matic.

Love Finds a Way

I'm thinking maybe I should have ran this post about "woman attraction systems" last week. It may have helped some hapless schmoe looking for a Valentine's Day date since most of these products are still on the market.

There's no doubt countless products out there to help the loveless, and one could probably devote a whole blog devoted to such materials.  Here's just a few of them...

How to Pick Up Girls! is a pretty famous 1970 book by Eric Weber.  As the 1980 ad below states it was even turned into a 1978 TV movie staring Desi Arnaz Jr..  But wait there's more, the sequel How to Pick Up Women is also available, and if you order both books 100 Best Opening Lines is yours free... 

Not good with the pick up? How about trying hypnosis, or something called S/A Hypnotism to be exact. Here's a 1980 ad (with a 1976 copyright) for book called The Easy Way to get Girls: Through S/A Hypnotism, and be sure to ask for your free "3-D Photo Book' of beautiful girls.  Personally I hope they are more beautiful than the model in the center of the ad.  That's one seriously unflattering shot...

If the "pickup" and hypnosis doesn't work there's always a love potion.  This love potion is "Europe's sexual breakthrough" and a cologne called "SUBMIT." It gets its mojo from"Pheromone Prime." The odd photo of the woman in this 1992 ad looks like she's trying to hide behind her own hair is curious.  I don't think properly conveys how this "SUPER STIMULANT" is supposed to work...

Here's a unique one, a cassette tape that seduces women.  It works through the use of subliminal messages, although obviously one must get a woman someplace to hear it first which may be easier said than done.  From 1992 it's the Mephisto Cassette...

Lastly is a little something from a 1990's Johnson Smith Company catalog.  First get back to the basics with How To Kiss With Confidence.  Going only from the photo, part of the "confidence" must come from kissing someone who looks like you.  Seriously, I thought that guy was kissing a mirror at first. Second is How To Pick-Up Beautiful Girls.  I think I'd buy this over How to Pick Up Girls!  you know, simply because of the "beautiful" part...

All this talk of attracting woman and love potions reminds me of a classic episode of  The Twilight Zone called The Chaser.  This same story was also done later on Tales From the Crypt, but the "Zone" did it the best with much better writing and acting.  I love the Professor A. Daemon character and his surreal library and "glove cleaner."

Just because I can, I've embedded entire episode below...

Those 70's Dolls

Here's a quick look at a couple iconic 70's dolls, and when I say "iconic 70's" I mean something distinctly 1970's, not necessarily famous.

First it's the vaguely hippy-ish Sunshine Family from Mattel in 1976...

The Sunshine Family supposedly ran a craft store, and the ad copy says the dolls come with "its own things-to-make Idea Book" so you too could become a craftier just like the dolls.  This crafting spirit is still alive in Sunshine Family owners.  For example while searching for a Sunshine Family commercial I stumbled across YouTuber Marianna Mitchek  and her snappily crafted video "Childhood friends."  Check it out...



Mattel strikes again in 1976 with what might be the most contrversal doll of the 70's - the anatomically correct baby doll Baby Brother Tender Love...  

Although there was another anatomically correct baby doll released in 1976 called Archie Bunker’s Grandson - Joey Stivic from Ideal.  This doll was billed as the "first anatomically correct male doll."  Since it was based the popular All In The Family TV show it most certainly got more publicity, and probably took most of the heat off Baby Brother Tender Love.

Wow, two anatomically correct baby dolls are released by two major toy manufactures in 1976.  Is this just a coincidence, or was one company attempting to cash in on the others idea?  I can't believe there was ever a great demand for such a anatomically correct doll to begin with.

Christmas Charge

Hey it's Christmas time again, and that means a month of yuletide blogging at its finest.  Well, what passes for "finest" around here at least.  Always remember it's the thought that counts.

Credit card use is at its peak this time of year, and in 1973 you might have used a BankAmericard to do your Christmas shopping...

Here's a bit of  trivia for the younger generations - Visa once upon a time was called BankAmericard.

I've noticed something strange in the above magazine ad.  Did Grandpa get a creepily realistic ventriloquist dummy for Christmas?

I guess that's only his curiously dressed grandson. Although this kid looks like he's up to no good, and coincidentally has the same hair style as the evil ventriloquist dummy in the classic bad horror movie Devil Doll (1964)...  



Staying with the credit card theme, here's the 1973 Christmas ad for Master Charge ...

 MasterCard was once called Master Charge just so you know.

I wonder if ad agency even considered asking TV's Brady Bunch to pose for this ad.  It was a lot cheaper, and easier to use a cartoon so I seriously doubt it.  Those Brady's got ripped off.  However I'm sure Mike Brady would have some sort of way to moralize even this situation.

Morton Donut Shop Frozen Donuts

Morton Donut Shop frozen donuts was a 1970's product that lasted about as long as plaid polyester bell-bottoms were fashionable.  Which is my way of saying the product wasn't around to ring in 1980.  Check out the magazine ad...

Is there a full grown adult anywhere who actually dreams about donuts?

Probably the main reason this product didn't last was the fact it was frozen.  I mean who wants wait for their donuts to thaw before eating them. For example, if you read the directions on this box of Morton Donut Shop Boston Creme Donuts (uploaded to Flickr by JasonLiebig) it took a lengthy 2 hours to thaw...

Also most everyone in the country has a real donut shop within a short driving distance of their home.  If you really wanted a freshly made donut in the 70's there was probably a Dunkin' Donuts just around the corner...



Munchkins donuts and Mason Reese go together like ham and eggs, peanut butter and jelly, or Pop Rocks and Coke. 

Taste the Rainbow... of Cheese

I think it's safe to say the golden age of Kraft Singles was probably the early 70's.  Today there's only a few varieties of Kraft Singles available in your grocers dairy case, but according to this magazine ad from 1973 there once was an impressive 11 varieties available...

... and if you were overwhelmed by all those choices here's the text heavy supporting page with helpful recipe ideas to guide your Singles selections.

That wasn't the end of the 70's Kraft cheese varieties either.  Today if you want  Kraft brand finely processed cheese loaves all you have is Velveeta, but in 1973 there were three loaves varieties to choose from...

Here's a 1970's Kraft Singles commercial (followed by a Dristan Nasal Mist, and
Purina Cat Chow commercial), and an epic 70's Kraft Cheese commercial featuring the "Ballard of J.L. Kraft."



Switching gears to ice cream topping, Kraft was all over it in 1973.  Just like the Kraft Singles this ad shows there were once 11 toppings to choose from, and a there's a coupon for 11¢ off for good measure.  Somewhere Nigel Tufnel is happy...

In case this ad has you hankering for some Kraft toppings, sadly Kraft is totally out of the ice cream topping business today.

Everthing is Food Machines*

It's the month of the big turkey feast, and that means a month of food related posts here on ye olde QIPI.

I thought I'd kick things off with a look at food machines. If you ask me appliance manufactures need to really step up their game.  It's almost 2013, and I  want futuristic machines that will actually prepare and cook the food for you like the Jetson's Foodarackacycle...

I won't be happy until all my food is prepared entirely robotically, and therefore completely untouched by human hands.  I'd take that over flying cars any day.

In the meantime we'll have to make due with not-so-futuristic food processors. The built-in Ronson Foodmatic seen in this ad from 1973 looks like the Cadillac of food processors...

The internet tells me that Frank Sinatra supposedly had one of these installed in his kitchen.  That's a pretty good endorsement. I'm sure Old Blue Eyes demanded only the best.  I wonder if the rest of the Rat Pack got one too.

If the Ronson Foodmatic is too rich for your blood, there's always the Veg-O-Matic...



...or how about the Kitchen Magician...



Hmm, seems almost as impressive as one of David Blaine's stunts. Although the Kitchen Magician sure looks a lot like the Salad Queen...




* Sung to the tune of "Everything is Food" from the 1980 motion picture Popeye.

Maxine and Rosie

Whoa, the month almost went by without a post, and if that happened the world might have just slipped off its axis. 

So to prevent a possible Mayan calendar prophecy, and for the betterment of all mankind I proudly present a look a couple of forgotten early 70's ad women...

Fist here's Vivian Vance as Maxine the coffee lady. Vivian is well-known for  playing Lucille Ball's sidekick, but I don't think many remember her time as a pitch-woman for Maxwell House Instant Coffee... 

 

These print ads are kinda like story storyboards for a commercial, and she did those too...



This next forgotten lady is named Rosie, and she wants you to know Clorox does more than the wash...

Whoever Rosie was I don't believe she ever got to do Clorox commercials, but nevertheless I've regularly poured Clorox in my toilets.  Yeah, that last sentence was a total non sequitur, but letting Clorox sit over night in your toilet is great way to get them sparking clean without the chore of scrubbing.  I think that was another non sequitur also.

Hometown Newspaper Ads from 1973

Here's a quick post of a few newspaper ads from 1973.  They're ads from the Redford Township edition of The Suburban News for the week of May 30, 1973 to be exact... 

Kresge's was the discount store that spawned Kmart.  The Kresge's stores lasted well into the late 70's, and I'm pretty sure even into the 80's.  The sale prices in the above ad are very good.  I'm particularly impressed by the price for Puffs which inflation adjusted for 2012 is $1.19.  I challenge you to find a box of Puffs for $1.19 anywhere.

Above is a very long ad for Sentry Drug.  You can see there's two sizes of Selsun Blue on sale, but it doesn't seem like much of a sale to me.  Adjusted for inflation that $2.69 on the 8oz size is $13.90 in 2012 dollars.  Selsun Blue goes for about $7 today, and that's an 11oz size.

Get ready for Memorial Day with stylish fashions for men and boys at SIMS.  I'm in awe of those "Bold Cuffed Bells."  I kinda wish I was bold enough to wear them today.  In case you're wondering about the price on those pants - $10 in 1973, is $51.66 in 2012

Orange Bird Ad 1973

The Orange Bird returned to Walt Disney World last week.  The news of this has a number of the Disney fan blogs buzzing.  It's nice this little bit of WDW history has returned, but personally it's not something I can get too excited about.  The Orange Bird was a Disney designed mascot for the Florida Citrus Growers, and was used in ads for Florida orange juice - like this magazine ad from 1973 that entices you to save 50¢ on your next juice purchase...

... but saving that 50¢ wasn't so straight forward.  First here's the 10¢ coupon to use in the store...  

... and then to collect the other 40¢ you needed to fill out the 40¢ cash refund form and send in various proofs of purchase.  Mail-in refunds aren't done much anymore, and especially not for 40¢.

Although to be fair this is 1973, and according to an Internet inflation calculator 40¢ in 1973 is worth $2.07 in 2012.  However collecting the refund is going to cost at least one first class stamp.  So using 2012 numbers again, a first class stamp is 45¢, and therefor your net refund is actually $1.62.  I don't know if  that's really worth the trouble.

Aggh, writing about that Orange Bird has me doing financial calculations. Who would have thunk it.

Let's forget about that Orange Bird because there's another Disney designed advertising mascot (who also happens to be a bird) who I'd truly like to see make a return - it's 7-Up's Fresh Up Freddie...



The ending of that commercial looks like it could have influenced the Pixar movie Up (2009).

Going Out With A Bang

To end the month long celebration of Valentines here's a sizzling selection of tiny vintage B&W ads found in the back of popular magazines...

This above ad for a set of naughty strip tease hi-ball glasses seems like something I might have found in some smutty gentleman's magazine. Nope it's from Family Circle November 1976.  Yeah that surprised me too.

In the same issue of Family Circle was this ad for Frederick's of Hollywood.  That's not so surprising, but I'm kinda confused by the copy in this ad. Take a round trip to Hollywood? How is a catalog subscription a round trip?  Is that supposed to be an allusion to something? Well anyways, I get an excuse to post the the pic of the sexy 70's cartoon lingerie lady.

This is my favorite ad of those tiny B&W ads.  Various versions ran continually for years, but I like this one from 1973 the best.  The "BLOW YOURSELF UP"  really catches ones eye. It's probably too much of a stretch to think this service for enlarging (or blowing up) of a photograph has any connection to the popularity of Antonioni's Blow-up (1966).  I don't think the film was that popular.  I mean when I saw that film I thought it might have been fun to be a mod fashion photographer in 60's London - not a desire to blow-up my photographs.

Actually "blowing yourself up" makes me think of that classic SCTV skit...

We must, we must, we must increase our bust!

Last month I posted a bunch of comic book ads for muscle building systems and products directed at young male readers, and since turnabout is fair play here's something for the ladies - it's a 1976 ad for the Mark Eden Bust Developer...

As you might have guessed this product didn't quite live up to the claims, and after 11 counts of mail fraud it was finally taken off the market in 1981.  If you'd like to see what you got if you sent in your $10.45 back in the 70's check out Julie's Tacky Treasures for some photos and more info.

Big Wally and Other 'Big' Things

Here's a magazine ad from 1973, this time it's an ad for Big Wally...

...and in keeping with my sexy Valentine's theme this month, the name "Big Wally" reminds me of Big Jim Slade from Kentucky Fried Movie (1977).  And the capitol of Nebraska is Lincoln! 



Hey, I found another "Big Jim" from the 70's, it's the Big Jim action figure by Mattel.  Here's a Big Jim commercial with a "joke" added by the uploader...



Hmm, Big Jim & Big Josh reminds me of the work of Tom of Finland.  Tom's work is certainly 'BIG' in a matter of speaking, but before you click the link I must warn you - if you don't know who Tom of Finland is you may not like where the interweb rabbit holes take you. I try to keep things pretty clean around here, and I've only linked to the "TOF" Wiki, but you'll very quickly find yourself in XXX territory if you search for more "Tom."

Let's take this post full circle, and finish with something more in the spirit of this blog.  So as sort of a palate cleanser here's the commercial for Big Wally who will clean more than just walls, and that's more cleaning than any of those other 'Mr. Bigs' I wrote about will do for you...

It's not the size of the cigarette, but the motion of the ocean

Here's a rather suggestive magazine ad from 1976...

This hip and happening 70's guy doesn't want your judgement, but just so you know he's packing Winston Super King - it's got "extra length."  wink, wink...

By chance I also found his hip and happening female advertisement counterpart online. She likes the taste of a Winston Long...

I feel dirty now.

Love Stinks

Here's a very 'sexy' magazine ad from 1973 for stinky cheese...

This Liederkranz cheese ad uses words like "sensuous" and "lusty" to describe its smell, but over on Dave's Cupboard his Liederkranz review and reader comments use words like "flatulent," "outhouse" and "rotten socks on a humid August day."

If you didn't already know by now, Liederkranz is the American version of Limburger cheese.  Also interestedly, Liederkranz returned to the market in 2010 after a 25 year absence.

Well although the ad's copywriter tries hard, it's difficult to make any sort of cheese sexy.  The makers of the erotic eighties film Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986) knew this, and excluded la fromage from the famous food scene...



... hmm, maybe it's just me, but this seems like a big mess that would need to be cleaned up after your done.

Punchy's Peculiar Advertisements

This is Punchy and the Black Crow (No.11) published by Charlton Comics in December 1985.  

This is also Punchy's second to the last issue because Charlton Comics went out of business in 1985. As you might have guessed by the cover,  Punchy and the Black Crow is one of those "funny animal" comics full of quaint innocent humor for young comic readers.  Actually, this comic is filled with reprints from 1953-1954 to be exact so its humor is authentically quaint and innocent.  

I don't know what other titles Charlton Comics were publishing in 1985, but I'd guess when they sold ad space that ad was printed across their entire line of comics.  This is only explanation I have for the bizarre selection of ads in this children's comic.  It also looks like times were exceptionally tough for Charlton because the credibility of some of the advertisers is rather "questionable."

Above is the first ad on the inside cover, and it's from the Dan Lurie Barbell, Co.  I think it's interesting to note that when you mailed in your coupon to the Dan Lurie Barbell, Co. you're getting a "Instant-Action" POSITRAIN Course (and some other stuff too) - not barbells.  I'm happy to report that it looks like Dan is still around and has a web site right here.

Next is an ad for Marcy brand exercise equipment.  The "EM-1" shown above has a 200 lbs. weight stack which is about 4x the body weight of the intended reader for this comic.

The ad on top is more bodybuilding stuff, this time get big with Mike Marvel and his "SCIENTIFIC ISOMETRICS" program named Dynaflex.  On the bottom our first non-exercise related ad with U.S. Government Surplus Directory.  Hey kids, get your very own real army Jeep for less then $30!

Here's five ads on a single page: Pen-Sized Spyscope, Authentic Badges, Live Bait Belt, Handcuffs, and Double-Lucky Hand-Carved Jade Elephant - all this can be yours from DeerCreek Products of Pompano Beach FL.  I think DeerCreek Products might have gone out of business in 2004 because that is the latest dates of the complaint reports listed on the Ripoff Report.

 "Gain up to 5, 10, 15 Pounds" proclaims this full page ad from Gain Products. There is no mention of exercise in this entire ad so unfortunately none of the weight you gain will be muscle.  I don't think 15 pounds of fat around your gut isn't going to impress any ladies at the beach no matter what that B&W photo may imply.  

Oh good, on the very next page is the Speed Shaper which promises to, "Turn Belly Fat into a Rock-Hard Lean Stomach."  This is convenient now that I need to loose 15 pounds caused by the previous ad. Send your money to Improvement Products Corp which just happens to have the same address as Gain Products.  So I guess there's intentional product synergy going on here and not accidental.

Wow I wish I could make others secretly do my bidding.  Although I'm much too lazy to even read all that text in the above ad.   If only there was an easier way to learn the secrets of "Automatic Mind Command." Google doesn't turn anything up for "Research Industries, LTD" so mind control was probably only a passing fad.

Here's the first "toy" ad, or is a game?  It's the Helen of Toy Co. (love that name) and their Task Force and Tank Trap war games (or toy).  Franky, I find the ad layout confusing, but it must have worked since these same ads ran for years. Want to know what you got if you sent in your money?  Check out this page for a few photos of the Tank Trap game. Spoiler alert: it's not very impressive. 

At the back are a bunch of small ads, and some PSA's.  One ad is for the famous Charles Atlas and his "Dynamic Tension" program.  I wonder if you publish a comic book if it's mandatory that you include a Charles Atlas ad.  Charles must be doing something right because he's still in business.

Here's the inside back cover, and it's the  Dan Lurie Barbell, Co. again. There's lots of exercise stuff, but still no actual barbells (although he does sell them - or did at least).   That "Power Krusher" looks impressive, and looks like it could double as a swell TV antennae too.

Finally we've reached the back cover, and it's an ad for one of the all-time great comic book advertisers - Johnson Smith Company.  There novelty items here that would certainly appeal to children, but then again there's a number of pocket knives which aren't very little kid friendly either.

So that's all the ads.  No ads for 1980's kid stuff like He-Man action figures, Nerf products, Reese's pieces or Hostess snacks as one might expect.  Just to see who was advertizing in comic books back then, I looked though some Marvel and DC comics from 1985.  I found many brand name advertisers in those big name comics, but they certainly avoided the Charlton Comics Company.

Just for fun here's an ad for Bonkers candy that brought back memories (I think Mort Drucker might have done the illustration)...

Bonkers Candy Ad 1985

...and the unforgettable commercial too.

Newspaper Movie Guide 1980

I found a newspaper from June 6, 1980, and one of the things I always think is fun to do when looking at an old paper is checking out what was playing at the movies back then.

You may have heard that it's the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back, but were you also aware of another classic movie which opened 30 years ago...

Did you happen to notice "With Mel Gibson" near the bottom of the ad? That's probably the last time Mel was buried in the credits like this. Check out the trailer which uses the "With Mel Gibson" credit too...



Next there's this low-budget slasher movie that has a title that sounds like it could be an anti-abortion documentary to me...

And the Silent Scream trailer...


Now here's a film that has gone by a number of different titles. The original title is Snapshot, but was retitled when released on video as The Day Before Halloween, or The Night After Halloween. To further confuse things the name of this film in the 1980 newspaper ad is...

I love that ad copy, "Don't open the door... Don't answer the phone... Don't look in the attic... " - all of which just happens to be titles of other horror movies. One More Minute looks like a pretty intense slasher film, but according to YouTube film reviewer, SlasherIndex it's anything but...



Two years earlier in 1978 National Lampoon's Animal House was a huge hit, and a flood of imitators followed. Not to be out done, MAD Magazine presented their first (and only) motion picture with MAD Magazine Presents Up The Academy...

MAD Magazine artist Jack Rickard illustrated the poster, and that's practically the only thing MAD had to do with this film. Oh yeah, a live action Alfred E. Neuman makes a quick cameo too...

That "Alfred" mask is either funny or terrifying depending on your sensibilities. Anyways, the film was a flop, and fellow blogger, Frank, at Franklin Mint Blog does excellent job of documenting the whole mess. (You can also download the soundtrack at his blog too!)

Well, here's the TV commercial...



It's an interesting coincidence that another "Animal House-like" movie opened on June 6, 1980, with poster art by Jack Davis who just happens to be another MAD Magazine artist...

The full-color poster has slightly different art and a totally different tag line...


And finally a TV commercial for this forgotten comedy...