Classified Christmas Cover-Up

A couple of days ago I met a mysterious one-armed stranger through the friend of a friend cousin's half-sister (twice removed) at midnight on a Chinese junk in the middle of the Adriatic Sea.  The stranger handed me, using his one good arm of course, a brown paper package tied up with string which just happens to be one of my favorite things.

I took the package, and quickly made it back to my awaiting dirigible where my robot pilot flew me home.  When I opened the package I was startled to find a classified government video recording from the early 1970's.  I was even more startled once I watched it, and knew I needed to share it with the world.

But first there was that wacky Mayan end-of-the-world thing on Friday.  I spent that day wrapped in aluminum foil, and curled up in the fetal position under my basement stairs. Some apocalypse that was. What a jip! Talk about being dressed up with no place to go.

Anyways, with that nuttiness all behind us it's time to finally share this video with the world.  This tape blows the pants off anything that WikiLeaks punk has ever posted...


Merry Christmas folks, and have a Happy New Year!

Crazy Christmas Cavalcade: Holiday Spirit 2011

Hey everybody it's the eve of Christmas Eve, and it's time for my last holiday animation of 2011.

Please gather the entire family around the computer (or smart phone or tablet) to enjoy the short animated musical Christmas adventure of Jingles the bell ringing elf, and the holiday spirit that possesses him...



If this animation seems familiar it's because it is.  It's a "special edition" of  animation I made back in 2007.  Hey if George Lucas can do it so can I.

Anyway I think I've made some improvements.  The little red elf was originally intended to be in the animation, but was cut due to time constraints. I have a better grasp of particle systems so I think the avalanche looks more dynamic.  At the very least the picture quality is certainly much better.  Yes the Internets have improved over the last 5 years.  Here's how it looked back in 2007 for those of you who didn't click the link...



Merry Christmas everybody!

Crazy Christmas Cavalcade: Santa's Shaver Sleigh

Time for another festive holiday animation.  This time I take a child-like look at a classic Christmas commercial...



Norelco has been doing these Santa riding a razor spots for decades. Here's the earliest looking one I could find on the ol' YouTube...




... and here's the most recent with Santa now riding a newfangled flying razor!

Crazy Christmas Cavalcade: Christmas on Easter Island

Here's another new animation for the holidays.

It's a new animation based on an old Christmas card I made years ago...



If you're an avid reader of this blog maybe you remember this card from a post way back on December 7, 2007.

Hmm, I think I like the way I originally drew that Santa hat better than what I've drawn in the new animation.

Crazy Christmas Cavalcade: Ice Skating Wonderland

Seasons greetings all ye merry gentlemen, and gentleladies! I bring you tidings of great joy.  I'm creating a series of short heartwarming Christmas specials that are destined to become holiday classics, or quick cheap jokes that are sure to be forgotten immediately after viewing.

Either way please enjoy my video creation that's the virtual embodiment of the yuletide spirit...



I don't know how many of these things I'll make.  I have a few more ideas that I'd like to try to get to before the "fat man" slides down the chimney.

Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland Brochure

Well it's that time of year again, so to get in a festive mood here's a 1990's brochure for Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland in Frankenmuth, MI.

Established in 1945 I think Bronner's was probably the first store of its kind to sell Christmas decorations year around.  One thing for sure is the place is huge, and you can buy any sort of Christmas decoration imaginable. For example, maybe you where searching for those upscale mechanical animated figures, like the kind you might find in your local malls' holiday display - well you can buy them at Bronner's. 

Bronner's also wins my admiration for the most information packed into a single brochure.  I now know how to write "welcome" in 57 different languages, the miles to Bronner's from 40 North American cities, what the Bronner family looks like, and a short history Frankenmuth.

Christmas Hope and/or Disappointment

We're smack-dab in the middle of the holiday season, and for me the holidays are always a mixed bag of emotions. It's possible to start the season with a heart full of hope and joy, but only find the cold slap of sobering reality as that wonderful Christmastime fails to live up to expectations. Most of us have experienced this before I think.

I received an anonymous comment on my Better Homes and Garden December 1963 post that just might be a microcosm of this yuletide scenario, or maybe I'm simply stretching something beyond reason in a lame attempt for comedic effect. Well, whatever the case might be here is the comment...

Hey David,

Great Blog.

I was wondering if there are directions for an Angel made of paper in that issue. I'm looking for those directions and you're the first person that seems to actually own that issue. Thanks for helping out a total stranger, if you can.

Thanks for the compliment about my blog Anonymous. I'm happy to try to help out during this festive time of year. I had hoped to find those paper angel directions for you, but I must tell you up front, I didn't exactly find you're looking for.

I flipped thru the magazine looking for paper angels. On page 40 there is this paper angel hanging on the wall...


And then on page 48 there's these tabletop paper angels...

Each of these these pics have a footnote to a "Buying Guide" page number that can tell you where to buy things like the bedding and the glassware respectively. But disappointingly no directions on how to make them.

However, if you're (or anyone reading this) interested, the Wise Men from the cover have instructions on how to make them...


Also there are these medieval squire and maid figures on page 41...

And unlike those angel pics, if you look closely at the top you'll see they have a "How-to" on page 80...


So here's the instructions and pattern fromn page 80...

Although I didn't find any instructions for a paper angel, it's not time to totally give up hope yet Anonymous. My copy of this December 1963 issue of Better Homes and Gardens is not 100% intact. There are a few pages that were removed from the back that might have had the directions. If you're sure there are directions for a paper angel in this issue my suggestion is that you check Ebay. There were a number of sellers offering this very issue of the magazine at the time of this writing.

Well, at the very least this gives me an opportunity to post two more fun holiday themed retro ads from this issue...

When was the last time you saw a Santa Mister Magoo in a advertisement? I apologize for the text on the right side getting cut off.

How about this swell and very pink ad for 7 Up. I wish 7 Up would return to this style of logo design.

Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog 1989

The cover of the fancy Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog from 1989 features a commissioned sculpture "Peaceable Kingdom" by wildlife artist David Everett. Back in 1989 you could have purchased a snow globe with a miniature version of this animal tower inside for only $30.

The Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog is known for including some sort of crazy super expensive fantasy gift. It looks like this might be the fantasy gift for 1989 - a Russian lynx fur coat for $150,000.00. Hey fellas, no need to feel left out of the fur coat club, because you can get a mink coat of your own for the comparative bargain of only $7500.00. Even if I was an insanely wealthy billionaire I'd never purchase luxury items like this. Although for a laugh, I might buy the coats for a local PETA couple, secretly record their horrified reaction when they open the gift, and then post it on YouTube.

Here's the wackiest gift, a clear Lexan plastic "dinghy" called the See Boat. I wonder how watertight that thing is? I don't think I'd like to row out into the middle of a lake in it.

Hudson's Christmas Catalog 1976

Here's something very nostalgic for the Michiganians out there, it's everyone's favorite defunct department store, Hudson's, and their unique "Christmas Store" catalog for 1976...

That cover doesn't quite say "Christmas" to me, but I guess the art director was going for something different.

This is the first page of the catalog, and as you can see this ain't your Sears & Roebuck Wish Book. Hudson's was a slightly more upscale store that carried designer brands, and this sexy, yet tasteful, picture sets the tone. One day I too wish to lounge around on Christmas morning by a roaring fire in my robe looking as sophisticated and distant as these beautiful people do.

For a catalog from 1976 theses two pages with apparel in "Bicentennial red, white and blue" are the only things remotely patriotic. One day I too wish to wear color coordinated tennis and ski clothes like these sophisticated beautiful people do.

The obligatory leisure suit page. If you dig this sort of thing be sure to check out Plaid Stallions to get your fill of 1970's fashion mockery.

This is probably the most interesting page in the catalog. Stare in astonishment at all the clunky outdated electronics stuff with shockingly high prices even by today's standards. We should all feel blessed living in our modern futuristic world filled with superior high tech digital merchandise at such low, low prices.

Popular Home 1951

Take a look at the 1951 holiday issue of Popular Home...


Never heard of Popular Home? Don't feel bad because it's not a magazine, it's a magazine-like advertisement from your local "Family Lumber Dealer." When you look inside there's all sorts of ideas on how to improve your home, like putting up paneling in your family room...

Although there is a page full of "Decorating Ideas for Christmas"...

And this nice little page of reto art wishing a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year...

Better Homes and Gardens December 1963

So I was looking at some retro Christmas stuff in an issue of Better Homes and Gardens from December 1963 when I discovered something that is the very definition of quasi-interesting...

I don't know if these Ronson Varaflame Gas Candles are super cheesy, or ingeniously cool. I do know that I'm rather fascinated with the concept of a gas powered "candle." Maybe this sort of futuristic candle technology was simply ahead of their time since these things never caught on with the public.

Another fun ad I found was for Comet cleanser featuring Josephine, TV's lady plumber. Although this was before my time, I am familiar with the "Josephine" ad campaign. Jane Withers played Josephine, and is she ever a spark-plug...



Who can forget commercials like that.

I thought maybe someone might have built a shrine to Josephine so I did a quick Google search. Unfortunately if you search "Josephine lady plumber" it brings up a bunch of angry political blogs who've made a lot of lame jokes comparing Josephine to "Joe the plumber" usually with the aid of some badly Photoshopped pic of an old Comet ad.

Well maybe people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but I won't tolerate those kind of shenanigans here. Here on my blog, I'm very proud to present the largest, cleanest and completely unblemished Comet ad featuring Josephine, TV's lady plumber that you can find anywhere on the Internet.

If I could, I'd like to give those political bloggers a good smack with a sock filled with wet manure. You don't mess with a classic advertising icon on my watch folks.

Electronic Games Magazine December 1982

Wow look at all that swell expensive high tech stuff in this two page spread. If you were extra good in 1982 maybe Santa left one of these "gifts for gamers" under your tree...

During this joyous time of year, I plan to feature a couple of these gifts, and other fun stuff from this very special issue of Electronic Games in upcoming posts. If you see a particular favorite gift in the above picture, just leave a comment and I'll try to post what EG said about it.

A Regifted Christmas

For the holiday season I've always tried to do something uniquely special to show my love for my fellow humans at this joyous time of year. Nothing store bought will do. Oh no, it has to be something merry and festive that was created personally by me.

In the past I created my own Christmas cards, and in recent years, Christmas animations. I fully intended to carry on the tradition this year, but for various reasons I just never got around to making something.

So not to disappoint, I dug up something from the distant past I made. It's a video created on antiquated 3/4 inch equipment - which is now a completely extinct format. In a dark time when everything was analog, and the idea of digital non-linear editing was the stuff of science fiction.

I bring you the Channel 12 Community Access Christmas promo...



This was probably the first creative thing I ever got paid to do, and I made a channel promo for every major holiday. I thought about enhancing it with some flashy new graphics, or something, but except for the use of the Dr. Frankenstein ID I left this in all its questionable VHS quality glory.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Santa Claus Land 1978

Just when you thought it was safe, Santa Claus Land strikes back!

On the cover of this 1978 brochure the actual photo of Santa used in the 1976 version has been replaced with a cartoon representation of a gigantic Santa overlooking his kingdom. Also free parking is prominently featured.




If you've been wondering what has happened to Santa Claus Land, well you won't find it anymore.

But good news everybody, that's because Santa Claus Land became Holiday World in 1984. Holiday World is a very popular amusement park with various lands themed to a different holiday.

Santa Claus Land 1976

Just in time for the 2008 Holiday season here's part one of my Christmas themed brochure-a-palooza!

First up is that jolly old fat man himself, the one and only Santa Claus, and the Santa Claus Land amusement park located in the appropriately named Santa Claus, Indiana.

Check out the inside of the brochure in all its bicentennial-era glory...

Holiday Lights

To ring in the New Year, I present to you the holiday animation I made for 2006. Here's the text I sent to friends to setup the animation:

Dear friends,

I've been doing holiday illustrations for a while now, but recently I've received numerous requests to do a special animation for the Christmas season. So in the spirit holiday giving, here it is - an animated festival lights.

If I may say so, I think it's quite a thing of beauty which perfectly captures the illuminated holiday displays of the season. But isn't not just a spectacle for the eye, oh no, the music for this animation was carefully selected for it's emotional impact. Extra bonus points to anyone who can identify the rich orchestrations I used in this short.

It's my sincerest hope you'll enjoy this celebration of electrical wonders, and harmonious sounds of the season. So without any further adieu, please join me as we visit a serene and picturesque winter carnival where the magic unfolds...



Not to belabor the joke, but here's an explanation in case my animation left you scratching your head.

So the "joke" was what you could call a switcheroo. In the setup I made it sound like I was animating elaborate holiday light displays, and I start the animation with fancy orchestra music and the winter carnival setting. But I then start pulling away from the carnival, and switch to wacky animated neon and illuminated signs that have holiday themes edited to the music from the closing credits of the Bullwinkle show.

But you probably knew that didn't you?

Homemade Christmas Card Retrospective #7

I discovered Microsoft Publisher in 1997, and thought it would be a great tool for creating my cards (I'd barely even heard of the Adobe's Photoshop or Illustrator back then). Kinko's told me they could print my Publisher file directly on to card stock. Great news! This was going to be my best card yet, but, unfortunately, due to some odd quirk my artwork printed in B&W. So I had to settle for some weird colorized look...

Front

The colorized look sorta works since my card was supposed to resemble a poster for an old cartoon. Still I would have preferred my artwork to be in full color, so for the first time ever here's my original art...

Original Art

On the inside I made up a fake news clipping about my fake cartoon...

Inside

And finally my fake company name for the year...

Back

Well this completes my homemade card posts for the season. Thanks to everyone who left comments, or emailed with some kind words. I truly appreciate it.

Homemade Christmas Card Retrospective #6

I used a paper cut-out technique for the art on my 1996 card. This wasn't my attempt to copy the look of South Park (South Park didn't premiere until 1997), but to copy the look of Mary Blair. Mary's art is very cute and charming, and I wanting my elves to look cute even if they were doing something very weird.

Front

Head cheese has to be one of the grossest food products ever, and about the strangest thing I could think to substitute for gingerbread. On the inside I didn't have any clever text, it just said "Happy Holidays."

Here was my fake company name for 1996...

Back

Homemade Christmas Card Retrospective #5

In 1995 I got a little religious, but it was a geeky kind of religious with the three wise men depicted as robots.

On the inside it read...


On the back is my fake card company name for the year...

Holiday Spirit

Here's my Christmas gift to the world, or at least the handful of people who visit this blog each day.

Instead of sending out cards each year I've stated doing short holiday animations. This years animation is about a cute bell ringing elf, and the holiday spirit that possesses him. Enjoy...




I'm planning to do a few more homemade Christmas card posts this coming week, and one last special animation to ring in the New Year.