Love Finds a Way

I'm thinking maybe I should have ran this post about "woman attraction systems" last week. It may have helped some hapless schmoe looking for a Valentine's Day date since most of these products are still on the market.

There's no doubt countless products out there to help the loveless, and one could probably devote a whole blog devoted to such materials.  Here's just a few of them...

How to Pick Up Girls! is a pretty famous 1970 book by Eric Weber.  As the 1980 ad below states it was even turned into a 1978 TV movie staring Desi Arnaz Jr..  But wait there's more, the sequel How to Pick Up Women is also available, and if you order both books 100 Best Opening Lines is yours free... 

Not good with the pick up? How about trying hypnosis, or something called S/A Hypnotism to be exact. Here's a 1980 ad (with a 1976 copyright) for book called The Easy Way to get Girls: Through S/A Hypnotism, and be sure to ask for your free "3-D Photo Book' of beautiful girls.  Personally I hope they are more beautiful than the model in the center of the ad.  That's one seriously unflattering shot...

If the "pickup" and hypnosis doesn't work there's always a love potion.  This love potion is "Europe's sexual breakthrough" and a cologne called "SUBMIT." It gets its mojo from"Pheromone Prime." The odd photo of the woman in this 1992 ad looks like she's trying to hide behind her own hair is curious.  I don't think properly conveys how this "SUPER STIMULANT" is supposed to work...

Here's a unique one, a cassette tape that seduces women.  It works through the use of subliminal messages, although obviously one must get a woman someplace to hear it first which may be easier said than done.  From 1992 it's the Mephisto Cassette...

Lastly is a little something from a 1990's Johnson Smith Company catalog.  First get back to the basics with How To Kiss With Confidence.  Going only from the photo, part of the "confidence" must come from kissing someone who looks like you.  Seriously, I thought that guy was kissing a mirror at first. Second is How To Pick-Up Beautiful Girls.  I think I'd buy this over How to Pick Up Girls!  you know, simply because of the "beautiful" part...

All this talk of attracting woman and love potions reminds me of a classic episode of  The Twilight Zone called The Chaser.  This same story was also done later on Tales From the Crypt, but the "Zone" did it the best with much better writing and acting.  I love the Professor A. Daemon character and his surreal library and "glove cleaner."

Just because I can, I've embedded entire episode below...

For Scent-imental Reasons

I thought I'd take a look at the selling of men's fragrances over the past decades, and how it's changed.

Perfumes, colognes and aftershaves frequently use some sort of sexy ad campaign. My interest was see if I pinpoint the moment when sex was first used to sell men's fragrance products.

I can say with almost complete confidence sex was never used to sell men's fragrances in the 1950's. For example this commercial from 1957 for Old Spice aftershave emphasizes health and value...



I hope you're sitting down, but sex in men's fragrance ads seems to start sometime in the late 1960's.  Shocking, I know.  In 1960 Old Spice was still sold like this...

... and it's not sexy in the slightest.  Then whole sexual revolution thing happens, and in 1967 we have a spicy ad like this for Centaur "Massage" Cologne...

I can't personally identify with that breaded guy, but I do like the idea of a beautiful and extra busty personal masseur.

The male in this next 1968 ad for St. Johns cologne is much easier to identify with...

The above ad demonstrates a sexy two pronged marketing attack that many ads like this take.  First there's a handsome male model that can make one think, "If I use this product I could be like this guy."  Second is the use of this product will make one irresistible to the opposite sex.  St. Johns has helped the guy above snag three hot blonds - that's a lot of bang for your buck so to speak.

The Hai Karate commercial below from the late 60's is a classic example of the "irresistible to the opposite sex" marketing campaign...



I think that's still very funny today.

English Leather was introduced in 1949, and by 1969 advertised with this suggestive slogan...

Here's a entertainingly epic one, the very subtly named Jovan Sex Appeal from 1978 with art super manly fantasy art by Frank Frazetta...

...and the extra awesome commercial animated by Richard Williams.


By 1979 Old Spice got sexy with their bedroom couple advertisement for Musk For Men...

I like this two page tease from the makers of English Leather.  On the left side of the page is a sexy model wrapped in a large flannel shirt with the "cool" Timberline...

On the right page we get the "hot" pay off with Wind Drift...

I'm strangely fascinated by the scenario in this Paco Rabbane ad from 1984...

The clunky soap opera dialog ad copy is a hoot.  The guy in the towel must be some sort of wealthy classical musician.  I don't think someone living on the average metropolitan symphony wage could afford such a fancy big city apartment.   Below is the ad copy for easy reading, and print out. It's my hope this scene will be acted out in drama classes around the world, and might even become the next hot YouTube meme...

Hello?

I hope you sit on a lute!

Ah, the sweet song of the morning
grouch!

You didn’t say goodbye.

I didn’t want to wake you.

Who could sleep when there's a hunk
with no clothes on wandering around
at five in the morning, humming
Vivaldi and knocking over furniture?

You have an ear of tin. It was Bruch.
And I’m playing it this afternoon
up in Boston for the Ladies of the
Noble Order of Sweater-and-Pearls.
What are you doing?

Lying here, thinking of you. You
know, I can smell your Paco Rabanne.
It’s like you were still here.

I wish I were.

I couldn’t go back to sleep, remembering 
everything. I wanted to hear
your voice. It has the most interesting
effect on me . . .

Maybe I should run over and read you
a bedtime story or something.

Or something. 

...and end scene.

I hope you all have fun with that.

Jumping to the present day with AXE body spray, and their newish commercial that sorta reminds me of the old Hai Karate spots taken to a spectacular scale...


This BOD Man Fragrance Spray commercial has that "sexy two pronged marketing attack" thing going on.  Is the setting a hotel?  I associate an ice machine with a hotel, but either way this guy didn't break a sweat to get great results...


The packaging for BOD is curious. It looks like I might find it down the supermarket cleaning aisle.  Maybe BOD could replace my bottle of Formula 409, and be my new personal fragrance.  Hmmm, that reminds me of product from an old SNL skit that was two things in one...


Hey since I started this post with Old Spice let's take a look a current magazine ad...

Their ad agency has gone totally insane.  Is insanity the new sexy?

Well let's close this post with probably the best manly cologne commercial ever. All the way from Japan it's Charles Bronson for Mandom. If you've made it this far, and you've never seen this before you're in for a real treat...

 

Nat Geo's Two Takes on Disney Animation

Here's a post that's pretty frivolous, but hardcore Disney fans (and I know you're out there) might dig it.

In August 1963 National Geographic Magazine ran a lengthy article titled "The Magic Worlds of Walt Disney." It's become a true collectors issue among Disneyphiles, and you can checkout the entire article online over on Modern Mechanix if you so wish.

Four pages of the article illustrate how animated films are made with Micky Mouse giving Mr. G.O. Graphic a guided tour of the studio as other Disney characters work on The Sword in the Stone (1963)...

Fourteen years later in November 1977 National Geographic basically dusted off the 1963 illustrations for reuse in their children's World magazine...

... although it's been completely redrawn, and this time Mr. G.O. Graphic is just simply a "human visitor" who gets a peek at the production of The Rescuers (1977)...

I think I prefer the 1963 version of the illustrations, and I thought the name of Mr. G.O. Graphic was pretty clever.  I also like how Micky Mouse was dressed in 1963...

There's a lot of differences between the illustrations.  Print this next image out, and hand it to a child who you'd like to keep busy for a while...

I wonder if National Geographic ever considered using these illustrations again.  I doubt it, but I like to specualate what a 1980's, 1990's or 2000's version would have looked like.

 

Christmas Charge

Hey it's Christmas time again, and that means a month of yuletide blogging at its finest.  Well, what passes for "finest" around here at least.  Always remember it's the thought that counts.

Credit card use is at its peak this time of year, and in 1973 you might have used a BankAmericard to do your Christmas shopping...

Here's a bit of  trivia for the younger generations - Visa once upon a time was called BankAmericard.

I've noticed something strange in the above magazine ad.  Did Grandpa get a creepily realistic ventriloquist dummy for Christmas?

I guess that's only his curiously dressed grandson. Although this kid looks like he's up to no good, and coincidentally has the same hair style as the evil ventriloquist dummy in the classic bad horror movie Devil Doll (1964)...  



Staying with the credit card theme, here's the 1973 Christmas ad for Master Charge ...

 MasterCard was once called Master Charge just so you know.

I wonder if ad agency even considered asking TV's Brady Bunch to pose for this ad.  It was a lot cheaper, and easier to use a cartoon so I seriously doubt it.  Those Brady's got ripped off.  However I'm sure Mike Brady would have some sort of way to moralize even this situation.

Morton Donut Shop Frozen Donuts

Morton Donut Shop frozen donuts was a 1970's product that lasted about as long as plaid polyester bell-bottoms were fashionable.  Which is my way of saying the product wasn't around to ring in 1980.  Check out the magazine ad...

Is there a full grown adult anywhere who actually dreams about donuts?

Probably the main reason this product didn't last was the fact it was frozen.  I mean who wants wait for their donuts to thaw before eating them. For example, if you read the directions on this box of Morton Donut Shop Boston Creme Donuts (uploaded to Flickr by JasonLiebig) it took a lengthy 2 hours to thaw...

Also most everyone in the country has a real donut shop within a short driving distance of their home.  If you really wanted a freshly made donut in the 70's there was probably a Dunkin' Donuts just around the corner...



Munchkins donuts and Mason Reese go together like ham and eggs, peanut butter and jelly, or Pop Rocks and Coke. 

Taste the Rainbow... of Cheese

I think it's safe to say the golden age of Kraft Singles was probably the early 70's.  Today there's only a few varieties of Kraft Singles available in your grocers dairy case, but according to this magazine ad from 1973 there once was an impressive 11 varieties available...

... and if you were overwhelmed by all those choices here's the text heavy supporting page with helpful recipe ideas to guide your Singles selections.

That wasn't the end of the 70's Kraft cheese varieties either.  Today if you want  Kraft brand finely processed cheese loaves all you have is Velveeta, but in 1973 there were three loaves varieties to choose from...

Here's a 1970's Kraft Singles commercial (followed by a Dristan Nasal Mist, and
Purina Cat Chow commercial), and an epic 70's Kraft Cheese commercial featuring the "Ballard of J.L. Kraft."



Switching gears to ice cream topping, Kraft was all over it in 1973.  Just like the Kraft Singles this ad shows there were once 11 toppings to choose from, and a there's a coupon for 11¢ off for good measure.  Somewhere Nigel Tufnel is happy...

In case this ad has you hankering for some Kraft toppings, sadly Kraft is totally out of the ice cream topping business today.

Orange Bird Ad 1973

The Orange Bird returned to Walt Disney World last week.  The news of this has a number of the Disney fan blogs buzzing.  It's nice this little bit of WDW history has returned, but personally it's not something I can get too excited about.  The Orange Bird was a Disney designed mascot for the Florida Citrus Growers, and was used in ads for Florida orange juice - like this magazine ad from 1973 that entices you to save 50¢ on your next juice purchase...

... but saving that 50¢ wasn't so straight forward.  First here's the 10¢ coupon to use in the store...  

... and then to collect the other 40¢ you needed to fill out the 40¢ cash refund form and send in various proofs of purchase.  Mail-in refunds aren't done much anymore, and especially not for 40¢.

Although to be fair this is 1973, and according to an Internet inflation calculator 40¢ in 1973 is worth $2.07 in 2012.  However collecting the refund is going to cost at least one first class stamp.  So using 2012 numbers again, a first class stamp is 45¢, and therefor your net refund is actually $1.62.  I don't know if  that's really worth the trouble.

Aggh, writing about that Orange Bird has me doing financial calculations. Who would have thunk it.

Let's forget about that Orange Bird because there's another Disney designed advertising mascot (who also happens to be a bird) who I'd truly like to see make a return - it's 7-Up's Fresh Up Freddie...



The ending of that commercial looks like it could have influenced the Pixar movie Up (2009).

Going Out With A Bang

To end the month long celebration of Valentines here's a sizzling selection of tiny vintage B&W ads found in the back of popular magazines...

This above ad for a set of naughty strip tease hi-ball glasses seems like something I might have found in some smutty gentleman's magazine. Nope it's from Family Circle November 1976.  Yeah that surprised me too.

In the same issue of Family Circle was this ad for Frederick's of Hollywood.  That's not so surprising, but I'm kinda confused by the copy in this ad. Take a round trip to Hollywood? How is a catalog subscription a round trip?  Is that supposed to be an allusion to something? Well anyways, I get an excuse to post the the pic of the sexy 70's cartoon lingerie lady.

This is my favorite ad of those tiny B&W ads.  Various versions ran continually for years, but I like this one from 1973 the best.  The "BLOW YOURSELF UP"  really catches ones eye. It's probably too much of a stretch to think this service for enlarging (or blowing up) of a photograph has any connection to the popularity of Antonioni's Blow-up (1966).  I don't think the film was that popular.  I mean when I saw that film I thought it might have been fun to be a mod fashion photographer in 60's London - not a desire to blow-up my photographs.

Actually "blowing yourself up" makes me think of that classic SCTV skit...

We must, we must, we must increase our bust!

Last month I posted a bunch of comic book ads for muscle building systems and products directed at young male readers, and since turnabout is fair play here's something for the ladies - it's a 1976 ad for the Mark Eden Bust Developer...

As you might have guessed this product didn't quite live up to the claims, and after 11 counts of mail fraud it was finally taken off the market in 1981.  If you'd like to see what you got if you sent in your $10.45 back in the 70's check out Julie's Tacky Treasures for some photos and more info.

Big Wally and Other 'Big' Things

Here's a magazine ad from 1973, this time it's an ad for Big Wally...

...and in keeping with my sexy Valentine's theme this month, the name "Big Wally" reminds me of Big Jim Slade from Kentucky Fried Movie (1977).  And the capitol of Nebraska is Lincoln! 



Hey, I found another "Big Jim" from the 70's, it's the Big Jim action figure by Mattel.  Here's a Big Jim commercial with a "joke" added by the uploader...



Hmm, Big Jim & Big Josh reminds me of the work of Tom of Finland.  Tom's work is certainly 'BIG' in a matter of speaking, but before you click the link I must warn you - if you don't know who Tom of Finland is you may not like where the interweb rabbit holes take you. I try to keep things pretty clean around here, and I've only linked to the "TOF" Wiki, but you'll very quickly find yourself in XXX territory if you search for more "Tom."

Let's take this post full circle, and finish with something more in the spirit of this blog.  So as sort of a palate cleanser here's the commercial for Big Wally who will clean more than just walls, and that's more cleaning than any of those other 'Mr. Bigs' I wrote about will do for you...

It's not the size of the cigarette, but the motion of the ocean

Here's a rather suggestive magazine ad from 1976...

This hip and happening 70's guy doesn't want your judgement, but just so you know he's packing Winston Super King - it's got "extra length."  wink, wink...

By chance I also found his hip and happening female advertisement counterpart online. She likes the taste of a Winston Long...

I feel dirty now.

Cheap Costume Ideas from 1976

Here's some cheap (and I do mean cheap) Halloween costume (well more like makeup) ideas from Dynamite #20 from 1976.  If you were a elementary school kid in the 70's or 80's I'm sure you remember this magazine. 

If I was the kid who had to wear the macaroni and Honeycomb cereal glued to my face I'd be pissed (actually he doesn't look too happy).  Maybe these ideas would work as a rainy day fun activity, but it would be very embarrassing to try one as a serious Halloween costume.

Also if you read the article they call for "surgical glue" to glue all the stuff onto the kids faces.  First I don't know where you would buy surgical glue (the article says the drugstore, but really?), and secondly that sounds like a horrible idea.  From what I know surgical glue is very similar to super glue, and super glue isn't an acceptable makeup adhesive.  Spirit gum has been used for decades in theater and film to glue things like fake mustaches and beards on actors, and this seems like a much safer adhesive to use for your space alien makeup.

Ultimately let's face the cold hard truth people. These makeups are simply not very good.  Now some might say, "Oh but it's fun for kids!" and "This was good for the 1970's."  I say no. No it's not.  I've seen much better makeups for kids in books from the 70's (maybe I'll do a post on them).  Kids would much prefer to learn makeup techniques that look like they come from film or TV.  Even if it's something extremely challenging for children to accomplish it would have been better to try something more advanced than this lame "face odyssey."   

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

Here's another magazine pull-out poster promotion I found. This time it's for the Steve Martin comedy Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982). It's a mock quiz that's actually pretty funny and cleaver, and it makes me wonder if Steve Martin himself helped with the writing...

Read the story of Detecto-Vision

Finally here's the poster...

... and here's the trailer too!

A Change of Seasons

It's that time of year again, and that means it's time for the holiday classic A Change of Seasons (1980).

A CHANGE OF SEASONS: Movie Trailer. Watch more top selected videos about: Mary Beth Hurt, Richard Lang

Man, I love it when TNT plays this movie for 24 hours straight starting on Christmas Eve... OK, I'm teasing.

I don't think anyone even thinks about this film anymore. Not even the people who made it.

In 1980 this was a "big" holiday movie for 20th Century-Fox. I'm not kidding, take a look at this pull-out poster promotion which was published in national magazines...


Oh hey, it's a naked and wet Bo Derek. Now that she's caught our eye, let's turn the page and see what else we can find...


No more Bo, but we now have Anthony Hopkins and Shirley MacLaine in bed. This is all sorta like a comic book version of the trailer.


On the third page is more of the cast, and more of the "lover" talk. Wow that word is way overused here. Do people even use that word much anymore? I think it makes everything sound rather dated.

Just to be complete here's the last page which has a short bio on the principle actors...

Finally let's open this thing up and take a look at the poster...


It's a fun poster with an all naked cast, and a cartoon-ish leering bear rug and moose head wearing a Santa hat. This movie looks like a wacky sex comedy.

The poster art is by Robert Tanenbaum, and this is one of the last movie posters he worked on before moving on to other things.

Maybe Robert just gave up working on movie posters in disgust because his poster art wasn't officially used for this film. If you visited a movie theater 30 years ago this was the poster you saw for A Change of Seasons.


It's no longer the wacky comedy, but something more sexy and sophisticated. The marketing people took a shot from the infamous "hot tub scene," and replaced the leering bear and moose with a pic of a leering Shirley MacLaine.

It's not as fun as the illustrated poster, but at least it was better then this budget tri-color poster. I don't know exactly what's going on with composition here, but they sure want you to know Bo Derek is in this film - she's pictured on this poster three times...

Here's the provocative Swedish poster which uses a more risque "hot tub scene" picture, and a pair of illustrated disembodied human legs engaged in some kind of adult activity. According to the Google Translator the title reads "talk about left-rustling" whatever that means...

A Change of Seasons is available on DVD, and the cover art is very conservative and uninspired. The hot tub pic is colorized and placed in the background, and thee photos of stars placed prominently in the foreground. Also it now looks like a very autumn-like movie to me...


Lastly here's A Change of Seasons poster from Turkey? India? I have no idea...

That artist is no Robert Tanenbaum, and that image of Bo is not from this film either. It's from one of Bo's many sexy photo shoots...

Well this concludes my most steamy blog post ever, and just in time to kick of the jolly holiday season too.

Merry Christmas fellas.