Monday, May 26, 2008

An Open Letter to Christian Bale

Dear Christian,

I hope I wasn't too presumptuous to call you Christian, but Mr. Bale just seems so cold and formal and I want this to be a relaxed and friendly.

Christian Bale

Anyways, congratulations on the whole movie career so far. I've just heard that you're going to star in the new Terminator 4, and of course everyone is excited to see The Dark Knight coming out later this summer. You can certainly consider yourself a full-fledged Hollywood movie star. This is no small feat. As you know, not every successful child actor makes the cross over to successful adult actor (see Macaulay Culkin).

A very young Christian Bale with Steven Spielberg on the set of Empire of the Sun (1987)

Yessiree, you've established yourself as a talented and bankable leading man which guarantees we'll be seeing you on the big screen for many years to come. With that said, I feel it's my duty to talk to you about a small issue that's been troubling me. I believe many others are troubled by it too, and some may have even brought this issue to your attention. I mean this issue is as plain as the nose on your face...

At premier for 3:10 to Yuma (2007)

Close up of mole

...or more exactly the mole on the side of you nose near your right eye. I'm not the only one who's noticed either (check out ).

This isn't something trivial. If you're serious about your "craft" (and I know you are) you don't want anything that will distract from your performance, and that is exactly what this mole has become - a distraction. Seriously, when I'm watching you act I can't help to be drawn to the little lumpy thing sitting by your right brow.

But it hasn't always been this way, because from examining your body of work that irritating mole wasn't always there. Back almost 18 years ago, back in the 1992 film Newsies, the mole was in hiding, just waiting for its big day in the lime light.

No visible mole yet in Newsies (1992)

And then four years later the mole burst onto the silver screen, and can be seen in the 1996 film The Secret Agent.

The mole makes it first (?) appearance in The Secret Agent (1996)

I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that this mole of yours is growing. I'm sure you've had it checked, and I'm sure it's not cancer or anything, but I think it's time you should really have it removed. I mean it would only be like a simple office visit to have it done. Hell, I don't even work as a film actor where folks gawk at my mug on screens 30 feet tall, but I would have had it removed a long time ago.

Maybe you've grown accustom to it, and resist changing your face with cosmetic surgery. Although I'd find that hard to believe since you've never been afraid to change how your body looks before.

The many bods of Bale

You got all ripped and buff for American Psycho (2000). You then got even more buffer for Reign of Fire (2002). Hey, I don't blame you since you were co-staring with Matthew McConaughey, whose favorite hobby is shirtlessness. Then you got super scary thin for The Machinist (2004), and amazingly within a year bulked up huge for Batman Begins (2004). My hat is off to you man. As someone who is trying really, really hard to gain muscle, and drop my body fat a couple of percentage points for the summer - I'm totally impressed and envious how you seemingly can take off and on muscle weight with such ease. I would love to hear your workout routine sometime, but I digress...

My point is you're not afraid to change body in extreme ways - dropping weight and adding weight for what ever role you're playing. So to remove this distracting mole should be no big thing compared to what you did to your body for The Machinist.

Enrique Iglesias

If you're still unsure about losing your mole, why don't you talk to Enrique Iglesias (I'm sure you can get his number). Enrique had a mole much bigger than yours on his right cheek and had it removed years ago. If you ask me I think he looks much better without it, and I don't think it's hurt his career one bit to have it removed. He's still making music, and selling his own personal cologne or something. Isn't he? (Maybe I should have Wikied "Enrique Iglesias" before I wrote this)

I'm sure Enrique is certainly having a better career than this guy:

Richard Thomas as John Boy Walton in "The Waltons" (1972) (FYI: I didn't add the white text to the picture, but it's obviously by someone who is as distracted by moles as I am)

When was the last time anyone has seen Richard Thomas? I rest my case... Ok, I just checked IMDb and Richard Thomas has worked fairly consistently up till 2006. But he ain't staring in any summer block busters now is he?

Hmmm, maybe I didn't make any points for my case with the Richard Thomas example, but please consider the other stuff I've written.

Don't make me have to write a best-selling, Pulitzer Prize winning story about an emotionally complex man with a ugly mole under his right brow, and whose life is dramatically changed in many unique ways when he has his mole removed. Which is then optioned by a big shot Hollywood production company, and so I then personally adapt my story into a dynamite script which is quickly geenlit. Because of my new found clout I demand that you play the protagonist because after all - nobody else could play this role but you, and that would eventually force you to have that bloody mole removed.

Well thanks for your time, and I wish you the very best of luck with your career,


Sunday, May 18, 2008

Burger Chef Star Wars Poster In-Store Decoration

Last week I posted about an unauthorized set of Star Wars business cards which I assumed would be a Quasi-Interesting Paraphernalia Inc. exclusive. But nope, after I published that post I discovered that someone had beaten me to it by a good number of years (although I have the superior scans).

Well this time it's different. I'm bringing you a Star Wars World Wide Web exclusive! Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present a Burger Chef Star Wars Poster In-Store Decoration...

This cardboard mobile hung from the ceiling of the Burger Chef restaurants (a now defunct fast food chain in case anyone was wondering) during a 1978 Star Wars posters promotion. Check out this cool television commercial...

Well there you have it. You won't find this particular bit of Stars Wars memorabilia anywhere on the interwebs.

Now is there anyone reading this who would care to make me an offer on this rare bit of Star Wars memorabilia?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Star Wars Business Cards

Here's an odd bit of unauthorized Star Wars memorabilia. Back in 1977 when Star Wars was originally released (and when Star Wars was still called "Star Wars"- before all the "episode" non-sense) some clever and enterprising person came up with a quick way to cash in on the Star Wars mania that was sweeping the nation: Star Wars Business Cards!

Okay, maybe this wasn't such a great idea, and I suspect the person that came up with these owned a printing shop. You can tell this set of 12 cards were written by amateurs because isn't very funny either. There's some mild attempts at humor, but for the most part the characters' name and occupation is simply listed. Also is was an odd design choice to color C-3PO black.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Old Chicago brochure

Here's a vintage brochure for the long gone Old Chicago in Bolingbrook Illinois. Old Chicago was a indoor amusement park and shopping center.

Now only if it was a shopping center first and amusement park second, much like the Mall of America, maybe Old Chicago would have lasted more than six years (1975-1981).

Maybe it's just me, but there's something fundamentally depressing about an indoor amusement park.

UPDATED FUN FACT: A memorable scene in Brian De Palma's The Fury (1978) was shot at Old Chicago. If you watch the trailer below at around the 1:10 mark you'll see a spinning ride go out of control, and send its passengers sailing through a large glass window.


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